Have you ever had plans to do one thing, and then decided last moment to do something else? There's been so many times in my life that I have done this, and now it is spilling over into my blog. I had every intention of doing a blog called "The Significance of Your Name", which I think is important. Instead, however, I will be talking about "Rearranging".
I don't know about you, but sometimes in my house, I like to rearrange things. Especially in the fall and spring, my house and the rooms in it can use a good cleaning. Whether its moving furniture around, changing out pictures, painting, going through kid's clothes, closets or toys - it all needs it. Usually, right in the middle of doing it, I wonder what in the world I got myself into. It appears as though I 've created more of a mess then what was there before. But, when it's all said and done, I am so happy I did it.
One of the definitions for the word "arrange" is as follows:
* to put into a proper order or into a correct or suitable sequence, relationship, or adjustment
I believe it is safe to say, that to "rearrange" something can be described as putting something that once was in order, back.
In our lives, things can get out of order. It's easy to see the breakdown of society in the big picture. Families have suffered, children have suffered, the economy has suffered, etc. Why? The answer is, because of sin. The biggest goal of the enemy is to steal, kill, and destroy, everything in your life. It is to take what God intended to be good, and twist it. Sin is not something you can move around, change the picture of, or paint over. Only the blood of Jesus Christ can get rid of it. When we recognize and receive that, then Jesus's biggest goal can happen. That is to give you life, and life more abundanlty in every area! (John 10:10)
What about the small picture of things, aka, your life? What about the rooms in your heart and your mind? Have you checked them lately? Are there doors left open for the enemy to get in? If something in your life is not the way God intended it to be, let Him rearrange you today.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A Tribute to the 80's
The other morning I was listening to my husband's Ipod and some old 80's music came on. Instantly I felt like I was 13 again. Of course, this is when, MY now 13 year old daughter walked in. It was in that moment that she witnessed something she probably wished she hadn't. Her Mom, jamming out in the kitchen...80's style!
In 1980 I was 6 years old. So, that whole decade was when I basically grew up. There's alot of changes between the years of 6 and 16! So I thought I would have a look back in time to see what was popular when I was my daughter's age. (No, I'm not going through a mid-life crisis) In the words of Nacho Libra..."it's for fun."
Who could forget (though we might want to) Cyndie Lauper, Michael Jackson, Debbie Gibson, Richard Marx, and of course Aha - who had the one hit wonder, "Take on Me"? As you can tell by some of the ones on my list, I was a sappy love song lover. Some things never change. My brother, on the other hand was the opposite. He liked Ratt, Poison, Def Lepard, Van Halen, etc. etc. etc. So you can imagine the fights that would break out in the station wagon over which cassette we were going to listen to.
As far as fashion and hair style...I was the queen of big hair and high bangs. My babysitting money would go towards Aqua Net, blue eyeshadow, and HUGE earrings. Pathetic, I know...finally last year, Sean told me it was time to put that stuff away. (Just kidding...I hope you knew that!) Guess jeans, Espirit shirts, Fish Net sleeves, and Leg Warmers could all be found in my closet. I probably should tell you though, they were borrowed. There was no way, in you know where, that my parents were going to spend that kind of money on clothes. Especially when the jeans had holes in them :)
"Buehler? Buehler ? Buehler ? " Remember Ferris? How about the Breakfast Club or the 2 Corey's ? One of the 1st movies I saw in a theatre was E.T. and then of course Top Gun! Ghost Busters and Karate Kid were a hit, and everyone thought seeing Michael J Fox go from Family Ties to Back to the Future was amazing. Which coincidentally, we watched that on T.V a few weeks ago, and do you remember in the movie Marty went back in time 30 years? He went from 1985 to 1955, and everything had changed so much! Well, my friends, 1985 was 25 years ago, and I would venture to say that, again, everything has changed so much!
All in all, it was a fun time. I often think, what in the world were we thinking?! However, when a song comes on the radio, or an Ipod, you might just catch me dancing...80's style!
In 1980 I was 6 years old. So, that whole decade was when I basically grew up. There's alot of changes between the years of 6 and 16! So I thought I would have a look back in time to see what was popular when I was my daughter's age. (No, I'm not going through a mid-life crisis) In the words of Nacho Libra..."it's for fun."
Who could forget (though we might want to) Cyndie Lauper, Michael Jackson, Debbie Gibson, Richard Marx, and of course Aha - who had the one hit wonder, "Take on Me"? As you can tell by some of the ones on my list, I was a sappy love song lover. Some things never change. My brother, on the other hand was the opposite. He liked Ratt, Poison, Def Lepard, Van Halen, etc. etc. etc. So you can imagine the fights that would break out in the station wagon over which cassette we were going to listen to.
As far as fashion and hair style...I was the queen of big hair and high bangs. My babysitting money would go towards Aqua Net, blue eyeshadow, and HUGE earrings. Pathetic, I know...finally last year, Sean told me it was time to put that stuff away. (Just kidding...I hope you knew that!) Guess jeans, Espirit shirts, Fish Net sleeves, and Leg Warmers could all be found in my closet. I probably should tell you though, they were borrowed. There was no way, in you know where, that my parents were going to spend that kind of money on clothes. Especially when the jeans had holes in them :)
"Buehler? Buehler ? Buehler ? " Remember Ferris? How about the Breakfast Club or the 2 Corey's ? One of the 1st movies I saw in a theatre was E.T. and then of course Top Gun! Ghost Busters and Karate Kid were a hit, and everyone thought seeing Michael J Fox go from Family Ties to Back to the Future was amazing. Which coincidentally, we watched that on T.V a few weeks ago, and do you remember in the movie Marty went back in time 30 years? He went from 1985 to 1955, and everything had changed so much! Well, my friends, 1985 was 25 years ago, and I would venture to say that, again, everything has changed so much!
All in all, it was a fun time. I often think, what in the world were we thinking?! However, when a song comes on the radio, or an Ipod, you might just catch me dancing...80's style!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Be Who You Were Made to Be
I was teaching a 3 year old Sunday School class this morning about the account of David and Goliath. For those of you who are familiar with the story, you know that David killed Goliath, the giant, w/ a sling shot and 5 stones. Before the victory, however, the reigning king, Saul, had tried to prepare David for the battle by putting on his own armor. The armor was too big for David, so much so, that he was ineffective in it. So David took off Saul's armor, and grabbed what he was used to going to battle with...his slingshot.
Many times in our life we try to wear someone else's armor, only to be disappointed with the outcome. For whatever reason, we don't take the time to find out who we are, and how we are effective.
God has given each of us unique gifts. I've talked about that before in previous blogs. One way to find out what those gifts are, is to ask yourself the question, "What do I love? What do I enjoy? What am I good at? What is my passion?" Everybody is a 10 at something!
God will, many times, use the gifts that you have for His kingdom, and His purposes. When you recognize that you are not supposed to wear someone else's armor, but be comfortable in your own skin, so to speak, you will not only be effective, but you will love what you do, and how you are being used.
What about the "giants" we face? First of all, I believe, we can't defeat any of them, indefinately, without the power of God. But then, I believe, He gives us very practical ways to win the battles. Like He did with David, He gives us the opportunity to wear our own armor.
Many times in our life we try to wear someone else's armor, only to be disappointed with the outcome. For whatever reason, we don't take the time to find out who we are, and how we are effective.
God has given each of us unique gifts. I've talked about that before in previous blogs. One way to find out what those gifts are, is to ask yourself the question, "What do I love? What do I enjoy? What am I good at? What is my passion?" Everybody is a 10 at something!
God will, many times, use the gifts that you have for His kingdom, and His purposes. When you recognize that you are not supposed to wear someone else's armor, but be comfortable in your own skin, so to speak, you will not only be effective, but you will love what you do, and how you are being used.
What about the "giants" we face? First of all, I believe, we can't defeat any of them, indefinately, without the power of God. But then, I believe, He gives us very practical ways to win the battles. Like He did with David, He gives us the opportunity to wear our own armor.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
An Unexpected Teacher
Have you ever had a favorite teacher? Thinking back to my years in school, I can remember all of my teachers....every name and every grade. It's just one of those things I remember, kind of like birthdays, I guess. But, there was one teacher in particular who had a reputation, that she lived up to quite well, as being one of the meanest and strictest teachers in the school. Little did I know, the summer before my second grade year, when I found out that she was going to be my teacher, that she would, to this day leave an imprint on my life.
Mrs. Lasley was probably in her late thirties when I had her as my teacher. Of course, then I thought she was old - now that I myself am in my late thirties, I of course know better :) She had a certain look that she gave when she was upset or irritated at you, and the goal was to never get that look. However, being an 8 year old kid, sometimes you got the look no matter how hard you tried.
It was in December, of my second grade year, that I saw a different side to Mrs. Lasley. We were preparing to do a Christmas program at the school, (when you could still sing Christmas songs) and we were going to sing "Silent Night". She started telling us about her life growing up, and how both of her parents were deaf, due to a horse accident. Being unable to speak to her parents with her voice, she became very fluent in sign language, and that was how we were going to sing our song that year at the Christmas program...with our hands.
On the day of the program, after we performed Silent Night in sign language, we were in our class having a party. It was afterall, the last day of school before Christmas break. Suddenly she sat us all down, and had began taking small beautiful wooden ornaments out of a bag. Each one had our name on it, her name on it, and the date - 1981. She had carved and polished each one by hand, and wanted us to take them home and hang them on our tree...it was a gift. This teacher, who was known for being strict and mean, had made an impact on my heart, right then in that classroom . I never looked at her the same.
Though I still got in trouble that year, and had to put my head on my desk or do an extra assignment here and there, I always loved Mrs. Lasley. It wasn't that the gift she gave was elaborate, or that learning sign language has been a big part of my life. It was the spirit in which she was giving those things to us. It was from a pure heart, out of love, from a teacher, to her students. It impacted me. To this day, I still hang that star ornament on my tree every year.
I want to leave you with two questions. Who are the unexpected people in your life who have made a difference in one way or another? Maybe it was a teacher who believed in you when nobody else did, or a friend or relative that was just always there. Possibly it was a complete stranger that helped you in a time of need, or a nurse or doctor who made you feel like everything was going to be alright. The other question is, Who have you been there for? Are we looking for ways everyday to make an impact on the people we love or even complete strangers?
Through unexpected people many times come unexpected blessings.
Mrs. Lasley was probably in her late thirties when I had her as my teacher. Of course, then I thought she was old - now that I myself am in my late thirties, I of course know better :) She had a certain look that she gave when she was upset or irritated at you, and the goal was to never get that look. However, being an 8 year old kid, sometimes you got the look no matter how hard you tried.
It was in December, of my second grade year, that I saw a different side to Mrs. Lasley. We were preparing to do a Christmas program at the school, (when you could still sing Christmas songs) and we were going to sing "Silent Night". She started telling us about her life growing up, and how both of her parents were deaf, due to a horse accident. Being unable to speak to her parents with her voice, she became very fluent in sign language, and that was how we were going to sing our song that year at the Christmas program...with our hands.
On the day of the program, after we performed Silent Night in sign language, we were in our class having a party. It was afterall, the last day of school before Christmas break. Suddenly she sat us all down, and had began taking small beautiful wooden ornaments out of a bag. Each one had our name on it, her name on it, and the date - 1981. She had carved and polished each one by hand, and wanted us to take them home and hang them on our tree...it was a gift. This teacher, who was known for being strict and mean, had made an impact on my heart, right then in that classroom . I never looked at her the same.
Though I still got in trouble that year, and had to put my head on my desk or do an extra assignment here and there, I always loved Mrs. Lasley. It wasn't that the gift she gave was elaborate, or that learning sign language has been a big part of my life. It was the spirit in which she was giving those things to us. It was from a pure heart, out of love, from a teacher, to her students. It impacted me. To this day, I still hang that star ornament on my tree every year.
I want to leave you with two questions. Who are the unexpected people in your life who have made a difference in one way or another? Maybe it was a teacher who believed in you when nobody else did, or a friend or relative that was just always there. Possibly it was a complete stranger that helped you in a time of need, or a nurse or doctor who made you feel like everything was going to be alright. The other question is, Who have you been there for? Are we looking for ways everyday to make an impact on the people we love or even complete strangers?
Through unexpected people many times come unexpected blessings.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Bullying - Stop!
As a young girl, one of the toughest times I ever had to face was during the summer before my 7th grade year. Going in to junior high is never really easy, but it's especially not when you're being threatened. It didn't help that the school I was going to already had the reputation of bullying. You had to get by the "hoods" who stood right off the entrance of campus, smoking. If you were a newby (like I was going to be), then you had the possibility of getting initiated by either being thrown in a locker or shoved in a garbage can. Whether it was hype to scare people, or it really happened , I didn't know. All I did know, was one of the top "hoods" lived on the same block as I did, and she didn't like me.
My best friend, at the time, also lived on the same block, only down further. So, during the summer of 1986, every time I would walk to her house, I would have to pass by where the other girl lived. Now mind you, at one time we were friends. In fact, I had stayed the night with her before. But, sometimes, girls can be friends with you one minute and hate you the next...especially at that age. There would be a group of them, and everytime I would walk past their house they would yell out their window, "Hey B...., we're going to kick you a.." "Just wait for school to start b.... (and that is the nice version) It got to the point where I was so afraid, I wouldn't walk over to my friends house anymore, unless I took the long way, and went around a couple of blocks. This lasted all summer, and then one day, they decided to like me again. I guess in my case I was lucky. I was only bullied for a summer. However, bullying still goes on today, and in many cases it's not just for a summer.
Here are a few ways people can be bullied:
1. Verbal bullying including derogatory comments and bad names
2. Bullying through social exclusion or isolation
3. Physical bullying such as hitting, kicking, shoving, and spitting
4. Bullying through lies and false rumors
5. Having money or other things taken or damaged by students who bully
6. Being threatened or being forced to do things by students who bully
7. Racial bullying
8. Sexual bullying
9. Cyber bullying (via cell phone or Internet)
Some recent statistics on bullying are as follows:
- 1 out of 4 kids is Bullied. The American Justice Department says that this month 1 out of every 4 kids will be abused by another youth.
- Surveys Show That 77% of students are bullied mentally, verbally, & physically.
- In a recent study, 77% of the students said they had been bullied. And 14% of those who were bullied said they experienced severe (bad) reactions to the abuse.
- 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or doing some "Bullying."
- 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of Bullies.
- 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.
- 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
- 28% of youths who carry weapons have witnessed violence at home.
- A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they think violence increased at their schools.
- 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
- More youth violence occurs on school grounds as opposed to on the way to school.
- Playground statistics - Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention - 4%. Peer intervention - 11%. No intervention - 85%.
There have been so many stories, movies, and articles on bullying over the last few years, and eveytime I see one, it makes me sad. Many times, the result of it can be suicide. Though in no way do I condone suicide, no matter what the situation, I can't imagine what it must feel like to be taunted, teased, threatened, excluded, and set up to fail every day by people. Though I mentioned girls earlier, that lovely age between 11 and 15 where they can be down right mean at times, you see this in boys also. Girls, many times will take the hurt inward. Boys, however, many times will take the hurt outward...in violence.
Whether directly or indirectly we have all been touched by bullying. We may even have been the bully at one time, like the girl who lived on my block. I think it's important that we pay attention to it more, especially with our own children, and talk about it. If you see them involved in it in any way, confront it. If we, as adults, are involved in it...STOP! Our kids learn from our actions and responses. Let's not keep silent. Lets agree to talk about it, before it's too late.
My best friend, at the time, also lived on the same block, only down further. So, during the summer of 1986, every time I would walk to her house, I would have to pass by where the other girl lived. Now mind you, at one time we were friends. In fact, I had stayed the night with her before. But, sometimes, girls can be friends with you one minute and hate you the next...especially at that age. There would be a group of them, and everytime I would walk past their house they would yell out their window, "Hey B...., we're going to kick you a.." "Just wait for school to start b.... (and that is the nice version) It got to the point where I was so afraid, I wouldn't walk over to my friends house anymore, unless I took the long way, and went around a couple of blocks. This lasted all summer, and then one day, they decided to like me again. I guess in my case I was lucky. I was only bullied for a summer. However, bullying still goes on today, and in many cases it's not just for a summer.
Here are a few ways people can be bullied:
1. Verbal bullying including derogatory comments and bad names
2. Bullying through social exclusion or isolation
3. Physical bullying such as hitting, kicking, shoving, and spitting
4. Bullying through lies and false rumors
5. Having money or other things taken or damaged by students who bully
6. Being threatened or being forced to do things by students who bully
7. Racial bullying
8. Sexual bullying
9. Cyber bullying (via cell phone or Internet)
Some recent statistics on bullying are as follows:
- 1 out of 4 kids is Bullied. The American Justice Department says that this month 1 out of every 4 kids will be abused by another youth.
- Surveys Show That 77% of students are bullied mentally, verbally, & physically.
- In a recent study, 77% of the students said they had been bullied. And 14% of those who were bullied said they experienced severe (bad) reactions to the abuse.
- 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or doing some "Bullying."
- 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of Bullies.
- 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.
- 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
- 28% of youths who carry weapons have witnessed violence at home.
- A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they think violence increased at their schools.
- 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
- More youth violence occurs on school grounds as opposed to on the way to school.
- Playground statistics - Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention - 4%. Peer intervention - 11%. No intervention - 85%.
There have been so many stories, movies, and articles on bullying over the last few years, and eveytime I see one, it makes me sad. Many times, the result of it can be suicide. Though in no way do I condone suicide, no matter what the situation, I can't imagine what it must feel like to be taunted, teased, threatened, excluded, and set up to fail every day by people. Though I mentioned girls earlier, that lovely age between 11 and 15 where they can be down right mean at times, you see this in boys also. Girls, many times will take the hurt inward. Boys, however, many times will take the hurt outward...in violence.
Whether directly or indirectly we have all been touched by bullying. We may even have been the bully at one time, like the girl who lived on my block. I think it's important that we pay attention to it more, especially with our own children, and talk about it. If you see them involved in it in any way, confront it. If we, as adults, are involved in it...STOP! Our kids learn from our actions and responses. Let's not keep silent. Lets agree to talk about it, before it's too late.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Being Happy With Where You're At
Have you ever thought to yourself, "I wish I was doing something else?" It's so easy sometimes to get discontent with where you are at. It could be a job situation, a place in life, or any number of things. People will feel that way a lot before they are Christians, because no matter what they do they still feel like something is missing. But even after we receive Christ, most of us would agree, that there are still times when you find yourself thinking the same thought.
In my blog "Season's Change", I went in more detail about how I struggled for a long time with where I was at in my life. Many times when you're in that place you feel very lonely, and besides the question, "I wish I was doing something else", you also ask, "Who am I ?" You try to be this for this person, and that for that person, and in many cases we lose perspective of WHY we are doing the things we're doing in the first place. So many of us have many roles to fulfill. For me I am a wife, mother, daycare provider, pastor's wife, mentor, daughter, friend, etc. In every area, I have to ask myself consistantly, "why am I these things?"
An example that comes to my mind is in the area of homeschooling. There have been times I have wanted to quit sooooo bad, and I would get so frustrated. It wasn't until someone finally suggested to me, to remember WHY I was homeschooling in the first place. When I did that, when I remembered the goal, it helped me so much. In the hard times, when I wanted to give up, it was comforting to know there was a reason why I was doing it. I now see the fruit in my children's lives.
No matter where you are in your life right at this moment, remind yourself why you're doing what you're doing. If you're in a job that you don't like - remind yourself that it's for a season, and for now you're bringing in a paycheck, or getting trained for something better. If you are single and waiting to be in a relationship - then remind yoursef that it's all in God's timing and that He will bring you the right person. You are waiting because you know God's choice is always right and you are a beautiful example to others who are also waiting. If you are in times of transition, then remind yourself to be joyful for today, and for the victories that today brings - God is the one who forms our tomorrows.
Renewing our minds in this area is not always easy, but it is necessary. One of the things that was first spoken to us as new Christians was that we were in need of patience. That with patience, we would be lacking nothing. I have to remind myself of that often - be patient - the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord.
Find the balance of having vision for the future, yet being happy for where you're at today.
In my blog "Season's Change", I went in more detail about how I struggled for a long time with where I was at in my life. Many times when you're in that place you feel very lonely, and besides the question, "I wish I was doing something else", you also ask, "Who am I ?" You try to be this for this person, and that for that person, and in many cases we lose perspective of WHY we are doing the things we're doing in the first place. So many of us have many roles to fulfill. For me I am a wife, mother, daycare provider, pastor's wife, mentor, daughter, friend, etc. In every area, I have to ask myself consistantly, "why am I these things?"
An example that comes to my mind is in the area of homeschooling. There have been times I have wanted to quit sooooo bad, and I would get so frustrated. It wasn't until someone finally suggested to me, to remember WHY I was homeschooling in the first place. When I did that, when I remembered the goal, it helped me so much. In the hard times, when I wanted to give up, it was comforting to know there was a reason why I was doing it. I now see the fruit in my children's lives.
No matter where you are in your life right at this moment, remind yourself why you're doing what you're doing. If you're in a job that you don't like - remind yourself that it's for a season, and for now you're bringing in a paycheck, or getting trained for something better. If you are single and waiting to be in a relationship - then remind yoursef that it's all in God's timing and that He will bring you the right person. You are waiting because you know God's choice is always right and you are a beautiful example to others who are also waiting. If you are in times of transition, then remind yourself to be joyful for today, and for the victories that today brings - God is the one who forms our tomorrows.
Renewing our minds in this area is not always easy, but it is necessary. One of the things that was first spoken to us as new Christians was that we were in need of patience. That with patience, we would be lacking nothing. I have to remind myself of that often - be patient - the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord.
Find the balance of having vision for the future, yet being happy for where you're at today.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
A Testimony in my Journey
Psalms 147:3 – He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I was sitting in the laundromat with my 3 month old daughter waiting for, what seemed like forever, my clothes to dry. She was right next to me in her car seat sleeping, as I picked up a magazine. I turned to read a story that, little did I know, would change my life. Staring up at me through the pages, was a woman who was talking about how she had to come face to face with the decision she had made earlier in her life. She had to face her decision to have an abortion. I couldn’t tell you her story, because in that moment a wave of sorrow poured over me. In an instant, I had also come face to face with my past. A past that I had never really dealt with.
In June of 1990 I had just turned 16 and was working in a local hotel/restaurant as a bus girl. The only thing I was into at that time in my life, was guys. Then, low and behold, Prince Charming was a waiter at the same restaurant! It didn’t matter to me that he had a girlfriend, as long as she didn’t find out. I guess it didn’t matter to him either. So, here we began our summer romance. In my naïve mind, I thought it would last forever, but of course, it didn’t. September came, he went off to college, I started my junior year in high school, and I was confused why I didn’t start my period that month.
Two months later I went with my friend to Planned Parenthood because she wanted to get on birth control. I still hadn’t started my period, so while we were there I decided to take a pregnancy test. Why I was shocked I don’t know, but when the nurse came back with the slip of paper that read pregnancy test positive, I was floored. I remember putting that slip of paper into my pocket and going home, dreading what I would say to my parents. I remember standing in my kitchen waiting to see my dad’s reaction when he read it. And, I remember when he asked me what I was going to do, I said very matter of factly, “I’m going to have an abortion”. There was no question in my mind, after all, what would the people at school think? What would my new boyfriend think? I didn’t even stop to ponder, that the baby inside of me, was now 3 and a half months old! I was in my second trimester.
On November 13, 1990, one month after my niece, Kara, was born, I drove to an Ashland clinic and had an abortion. Afterward, I went home and the same girlfriend who was with me when I found out I was pregnant, came by to see how I was doing. Her hair or make-up wasn’t perfect that day so the first words that came out of my mouth to her were not, “Thank you for coming over”, or "Thank you for checking on me", but instead, “You look like sh**”) She looked at me almost with disgust, and left.
Later that year, I would meet the man who has been my amazingly wonderful husband for 18 years now. Two years after we got married, we went to church one Sunday morning, and got saved. Our lives had been totally transformed. I never really thought about the abortion. I had just put it behind me. I knew I was forgiven, and I left it at that. This went on for years. The only people who knew about it were my parents, my friend, the father (who I never saw again), and my husband. It was as if it never happened, and I definitely never let it sink in. That is until I was sitting in the laundromat.
As I read the article in the magazine and looked at my beautiful baby next to me, the first of our four, everything that I had done came back to me. My heart was broken. I thought about how much I loved my daughter, and how I was so thankful to be a Mom. I thought about how blessed I was, when there are so many women out there who can't have children, yet want them so badly. Then I thought about how I chose to murder my child without giving it a second thought. It was overwhelming. For weeks, thoughts of my past plagued me. The realization of it all, broke me. I fell quickly from brokenness, to complete condemnation.
On a Wednesday night my husband and I went to church like we always do, but this Wednesday we had a guest speaker. To this day I couldn’t even tell you who he was, not even if I saw him. Right before he got into the message, he said , “he had such a strong feeling about something he just had to mention it”. “Someone here in this place tonight is suffering from a broken heart, and God wants to heal you.” He continued to say that after the service was over, he wanted to pray for whoever that was. My heart immediately begin to pound. I knew he was talking to me. Now mind you, not one person in the church knew about the abortion, except for my husband. So really, no one knew how bad I was suffering. I became really good at putting on a good face. I leaned over to my husband and told him that I was the one with the broken heart, and I needed God to touch me, to heal me. As the service was about to end I started having doubts. I thought, maybe I wasn’t the one who needed prayer, and if I was, what would everybody think once they knew what I had done. I slowly started to talk myself out of going down. The evening was ending, and people were starting to leave when the minister got back on the microphone and said, “the person who has a broken heart is still out there, and God wants to heal you.” At that point I knew it was me, and I practically ran down to the altar. As I was standing there with my husband, the preacher came over and very quietly whispered, “You don’t even have to tell me what you’ve done. God knows you, He loves you, and He wants to heal your heart tonight. Whatever it is you are dealing with, He is telling you to draw a line in the sand tonight, and never again look back at that situation the same again.” Then he prayed over me. I instantly was healed. All feelings of guilt and condemnation were gone. I knew God’s hand was upon me, and I know God’s hand is upon that child.
From that day on I believed that He would use me to help other women who have either had an abortion, or ones who are contemplating abortion, to let them know there’s a better way. There's other choices that can be made. To let them know that if they have already had an abortion then feeling broken is ok, it’s good. If we're not broken over our sin, then I would venture to say, it hasn't been dealt with completely. But, there’s hope and a future when you let God take what Satan meant for evil, and turn it to good.
There are so many women who are suffering from past mistakes. Maybe abortion wasn't the issue, but something else. My message to you, is the same. I don't know why I chose now to tell my story, this way. I trust that God does. My prayer is that it will help someone. I will never be proud of, or condone, the choice I made. However, I will never let Satan shut my mouth, and not tell of how an amazing, wonderful, forgiving, God can change your testimony, and heal the broken hearted.
I was sitting in the laundromat with my 3 month old daughter waiting for, what seemed like forever, my clothes to dry. She was right next to me in her car seat sleeping, as I picked up a magazine. I turned to read a story that, little did I know, would change my life. Staring up at me through the pages, was a woman who was talking about how she had to come face to face with the decision she had made earlier in her life. She had to face her decision to have an abortion. I couldn’t tell you her story, because in that moment a wave of sorrow poured over me. In an instant, I had also come face to face with my past. A past that I had never really dealt with.
In June of 1990 I had just turned 16 and was working in a local hotel/restaurant as a bus girl. The only thing I was into at that time in my life, was guys. Then, low and behold, Prince Charming was a waiter at the same restaurant! It didn’t matter to me that he had a girlfriend, as long as she didn’t find out. I guess it didn’t matter to him either. So, here we began our summer romance. In my naïve mind, I thought it would last forever, but of course, it didn’t. September came, he went off to college, I started my junior year in high school, and I was confused why I didn’t start my period that month.
Two months later I went with my friend to Planned Parenthood because she wanted to get on birth control. I still hadn’t started my period, so while we were there I decided to take a pregnancy test. Why I was shocked I don’t know, but when the nurse came back with the slip of paper that read pregnancy test positive, I was floored. I remember putting that slip of paper into my pocket and going home, dreading what I would say to my parents. I remember standing in my kitchen waiting to see my dad’s reaction when he read it. And, I remember when he asked me what I was going to do, I said very matter of factly, “I’m going to have an abortion”. There was no question in my mind, after all, what would the people at school think? What would my new boyfriend think? I didn’t even stop to ponder, that the baby inside of me, was now 3 and a half months old! I was in my second trimester.
On November 13, 1990, one month after my niece, Kara, was born, I drove to an Ashland clinic and had an abortion. Afterward, I went home and the same girlfriend who was with me when I found out I was pregnant, came by to see how I was doing. Her hair or make-up wasn’t perfect that day so the first words that came out of my mouth to her were not, “Thank you for coming over”, or "Thank you for checking on me", but instead, “You look like sh**”) She looked at me almost with disgust, and left.
Later that year, I would meet the man who has been my amazingly wonderful husband for 18 years now. Two years after we got married, we went to church one Sunday morning, and got saved. Our lives had been totally transformed. I never really thought about the abortion. I had just put it behind me. I knew I was forgiven, and I left it at that. This went on for years. The only people who knew about it were my parents, my friend, the father (who I never saw again), and my husband. It was as if it never happened, and I definitely never let it sink in. That is until I was sitting in the laundromat.
As I read the article in the magazine and looked at my beautiful baby next to me, the first of our four, everything that I had done came back to me. My heart was broken. I thought about how much I loved my daughter, and how I was so thankful to be a Mom. I thought about how blessed I was, when there are so many women out there who can't have children, yet want them so badly. Then I thought about how I chose to murder my child without giving it a second thought. It was overwhelming. For weeks, thoughts of my past plagued me. The realization of it all, broke me. I fell quickly from brokenness, to complete condemnation.
On a Wednesday night my husband and I went to church like we always do, but this Wednesday we had a guest speaker. To this day I couldn’t even tell you who he was, not even if I saw him. Right before he got into the message, he said , “he had such a strong feeling about something he just had to mention it”. “Someone here in this place tonight is suffering from a broken heart, and God wants to heal you.” He continued to say that after the service was over, he wanted to pray for whoever that was. My heart immediately begin to pound. I knew he was talking to me. Now mind you, not one person in the church knew about the abortion, except for my husband. So really, no one knew how bad I was suffering. I became really good at putting on a good face. I leaned over to my husband and told him that I was the one with the broken heart, and I needed God to touch me, to heal me. As the service was about to end I started having doubts. I thought, maybe I wasn’t the one who needed prayer, and if I was, what would everybody think once they knew what I had done. I slowly started to talk myself out of going down. The evening was ending, and people were starting to leave when the minister got back on the microphone and said, “the person who has a broken heart is still out there, and God wants to heal you.” At that point I knew it was me, and I practically ran down to the altar. As I was standing there with my husband, the preacher came over and very quietly whispered, “You don’t even have to tell me what you’ve done. God knows you, He loves you, and He wants to heal your heart tonight. Whatever it is you are dealing with, He is telling you to draw a line in the sand tonight, and never again look back at that situation the same again.” Then he prayed over me. I instantly was healed. All feelings of guilt and condemnation were gone. I knew God’s hand was upon me, and I know God’s hand is upon that child.
From that day on I believed that He would use me to help other women who have either had an abortion, or ones who are contemplating abortion, to let them know there’s a better way. There's other choices that can be made. To let them know that if they have already had an abortion then feeling broken is ok, it’s good. If we're not broken over our sin, then I would venture to say, it hasn't been dealt with completely. But, there’s hope and a future when you let God take what Satan meant for evil, and turn it to good.
There are so many women who are suffering from past mistakes. Maybe abortion wasn't the issue, but something else. My message to you, is the same. I don't know why I chose now to tell my story, this way. I trust that God does. My prayer is that it will help someone. I will never be proud of, or condone, the choice I made. However, I will never let Satan shut my mouth, and not tell of how an amazing, wonderful, forgiving, God can change your testimony, and heal the broken hearted.
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