A Testimony in my Journey

Psalms 147:3 – He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.


I was sitting in the laundromat with my 3 month old daughter waiting for, what seemed like forever, my clothes to dry. She was right next to me in her car seat sleeping, as I picked up a magazine. I turned to read a story that, little did I know, would change my life. Staring up at me through the pages, was a woman who was talking about how she had to come face to face with the decision she had made earlier in her life. She had to face her decision to have an abortion. I couldn’t tell you her story, because in that moment a wave of sorrow poured over me. In an instant, I had also come face to face with my past. A past that I had never really dealt with.

In June of 1990 I had just turned 16 and was working in a local hotel/restaurant as a bus girl. The only thing I was into at that time in my life, was guys. Then, low and behold, Prince Charming was a waiter at the same restaurant! It didn’t matter to me that he had a girlfriend, as long as she didn’t find out. I guess it didn’t matter to him either. So, here we began our summer romance. In my naïve mind, I thought it would last forever, but of course, it didn’t. September came, he went off to college, I started my junior year in high school, and I was confused why I didn’t start my period that month.

Two months later I went with my friend to Planned Parenthood because she wanted to get on birth control. I still hadn’t started my period, so while we were there I decided to take a pregnancy test. Why I was shocked I don’t know, but when the nurse came back with the slip of paper that read pregnancy test positive, I was floored. I remember putting that slip of paper into my pocket and going home, dreading what I would say to my parents. I remember standing in my kitchen waiting to see my dad’s reaction when he read it. And, I remember when he asked me what I was going to do, I said very matter of factly, “I’m going to have an abortion”. There was no question in my mind, after all, what would the people at school think? What would my new boyfriend think? I didn’t even stop to ponder, that the baby inside of me, was now 3 and a half months old! I was in my second trimester.

On November 13, 1990, one month after my niece, Kara, was born, I drove to an Ashland clinic and had an abortion. Afterward, I went home and the same girlfriend who was with me when I found out I was pregnant, came by to see how I was doing. Her hair or make-up wasn’t perfect that day so the first words that came out of my mouth to her were not, “Thank you for coming over”, or "Thank you for checking on me", but instead, “You look like sh**”) She looked at me almost with disgust, and left.

Later that year, I would meet the man who has been my amazingly wonderful husband for 18 years now. Two years after we got married, we went to church one Sunday morning, and got saved. Our lives had been totally transformed. I never really thought about the abortion. I had just put it behind me. I knew I was forgiven, and I left it at that. This went on for years. The only people who knew about it were my parents, my friend, the father (who I never saw again), and my husband. It was as if it never happened, and I definitely never let it sink in. That is until I was sitting in the laundromat.

As I read the article in the magazine and looked at my beautiful baby next to me, the first of our four, everything that I had done came back to me. My heart was broken. I thought about how much I loved my daughter, and how I was so thankful to be a Mom. I thought about how blessed I was, when there are so many women out there who can't have children, yet want them so badly. Then I thought about how I chose to murder my child without giving it a second thought. It was overwhelming. For weeks, thoughts of my past plagued me. The realization of it all, broke me. I fell quickly from brokenness, to complete condemnation.

On a Wednesday night my husband and I went to church like we always do, but this Wednesday we had a guest speaker. To this day I couldn’t even tell you who he was, not even if I saw him. Right before he got into the message, he said , “he had such a strong feeling about something he just had to mention it”. “Someone here in this place tonight is suffering from a broken heart, and God wants to heal you.” He continued to say that after the service was over, he wanted to pray for whoever that was. My heart immediately begin to pound. I knew he was talking to me. Now mind you, not one person in the church knew about the abortion, except for my husband. So really, no one knew how bad I was suffering. I became really good at putting on a good face. I leaned over to my husband and told him that I was the one with the broken heart, and I needed God to touch me, to heal me. As the service was about to end I started having doubts. I thought, maybe I wasn’t the one who needed prayer, and if I was, what would everybody think once they knew what I had done. I slowly started to talk myself out of going down. The evening was ending, and people were starting to leave when the minister got back on the microphone and said, “the person who has a broken heart is still out there, and God wants to heal you.” At that point I knew it was me, and I practically ran down to the altar. As I was standing there with my husband, the preacher came over and very quietly whispered, “You don’t even have to tell me what you’ve done. God knows you, He loves you, and He wants to heal your heart tonight. Whatever it is you are dealing with, He is telling you to draw a line in the sand tonight, and never again look back at that situation the same again.” Then he prayed over me. I instantly was healed. All feelings of guilt and condemnation were gone. I knew God’s hand was upon me, and I know God’s hand is upon that child.

From that day on I believed that He would use me to help other women who have either had an abortion, or ones who are contemplating abortion, to let them know there’s a better way. There's other choices that can be made. To let them know that if they have already had an abortion then feeling broken is ok, it’s good. If we're not broken over our sin, then I would venture to say, it hasn't been dealt with completely. But, there’s hope and a future when you let God take what Satan meant for evil, and turn it to good.

There are so many women who are suffering from past mistakes. Maybe abortion wasn't the issue, but something else. My message to you, is the same. I don't know why I chose now to tell my story, this way. I trust that God does. My prayer is that it will help someone. I will never be proud of, or condone, the choice I made. However, I will never let Satan shut my mouth, and not tell of how an amazing, wonderful, forgiving, God can change your testimony, and heal the broken hearted.